Trouble At Home
It was late. I sat at my desk starring at the faded and tired paint on the wall of my bedroom.
“I’m really not sure I’m ready to change my life just yet. Everything is moving so quickly.”
This time next week I will be starting a new life with my dad in Canada.
At first I couldn’t wait. After having yet another full blown argument with my mum. It was just another fallout in amongst a number of things that had gone wrong this past year for me. But this time, I ended up pushing things to the limit, when I snuck out of the house and disappeared for a week last November. Home had become a pit stop for me. I would rather be out than in, and I just didn’t have much to say to mum anymore. Life wasn’t easy, but I had learnt how to do life my way in order to get by. I had been over looked and ignored for a long time. So I became a loner for a long time and I learnt how to be on my own. I learnt how to watch others yet not get involved. I learnt how to attract the least amount of attention and then use it for my advantage, and it worked, most of the time.
I no longer tried to fit into what were seen as the normal things of life. Instead, I chose the things that allowed me to be different. To push what was expected from a girl viewed as small, pretty yet androgynous, therefore, unsexy. I was difficult to read and understand, because I gave off hardly any signals. Yes, definitely not a ‘normal’chick. Whatever, the hell normal meant!
I had two outlets or passions, possibly I might even call them obsessions – dancing and painting. They were the only things that ever got me interested in conversation. They were the only things where I found like minded people. Otherwise, I was quiet. I was never one for small talk or chit chat. Never understood talking for the sake of talking. And I certainly didn’t do emotions. I had enough of that at home.
So I had reached a point where I began counting the days to leave. I was looking into how I could pull enough money together before leaving for good. The last thing I would ever want to do is to run out of money. So when dad rang me the week before Christmas reading me the riot act, saying he’s agreed with mum I need live with him, I was totally up for it. Couldn’t wait. Everything for me felt like it was going wrong, so what did I have to loose. I lived in an extremely poor neighbourhood with hardly anything for young people. School was mind numbing and the only thing I was interested in there, was art class. For the few other lessons I attended, I would loose myself by drawing in my books. My world was in anime, everyone ended up in there including my teachers.
But when school got too much, (and that was often) you would find me on the streets, street dancing. I always could loose myself in dance. It was so easy. It was dance that enabled me to loose some of my loner status. I found people I wanted to be around for the first time. However, my fellow dancers didn’t meet up with my mum’s idea of quote “good friends.” Like, what did she know? All her friends , lie, cheat or robbed her blind.
Anyhow, as I was saying, leaving was perfect for me, until today. When leaving my friends and the reality of never seeing them again gave me cold feet. Did I really want to live in Canada? Did I really want to live with my dad? The thought of it all began stressing my head? It was dawning on me how final this decision was.
“Why I started to feel like this I have no idea?” “Maybe it’s my hormones…..?
Somehow, the reality of not being in control became a thing. Running away from home was my decision. When I left and how I left was still my decision. I could still be in contact with my friends and see them if I wanted. But living with my dad would mean starting over again completely. My thoughts were rushing and all over the place.
I grabbed my mobile and sent a text to Taliah.
Hey, where u @? Need to tell u something.
I waited for her to respond. She was on line. I could see she was responding. Typing….
“Was wondering when I’d hear from ya?” “Is it true?” “U leaving?”
“Who told ya that?”
“Forget that, just answer the question?” “U leaving?”
‘I was going to tell yah’….but……
“Call uself a friend?” “part of our crew and ya just leaving!”
Taliah just went off. Angry didn’t cover it. She was peaked. She didn’t hold back in her texting. I was like……?
“Calm down!” “why you so mad?” I didn’t understand why she was so emotional.
In the end, I had to lock her off. I couldn’t understand her being so upset just because I didn’t tell her. You would think I owed her money and was running away without paying by her reaction.
I grabbed my headphones instead and decided to just listen to music. Music always somehow distracted my mind enough when my emotions started to get the better of me.
I would think about it another later. When I was less confused.
As expected the beat kicked into my ears and the rhythm started its journey. My mind followed happily, and the kaos faded into the background.
Until next time.