Most people look forward to getting tired and going to sleep. However, not me.
I would happily bypass sleep if I could. I never looked forward to the night, because I knew what it meant. I knew what was coming. That inevitable feeling of fear and helplessness.
It wasn’t always this bad. But for reasons I don’t understand, things changed around two months ago and now my nights were more FEARFULL than peaceful. What changed, I wish I knew?
I wish I understood it, and could make sense of it? But I couldn’t. I was lost by it all. All I could think was why me? Why me?
Who else experiences such vivid dreams? So vivid they feel real? I made my way into the kitchen and opened the fridge. It was late, but I wanted something to eat. I had made my usual Appleberry crumble on Saturday, and it was just what I needed when I’m restless, like now. I cut myself a healthy portion and topped it off with the best vanilla custard in the world. I placed the bowl in the micro wave to heat up. Ping! The bell rang, confirming the heating time was up, and my crumble was ready.
I took it out the microwave and made my way into the living room and sat down on the sofa. I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. I scrolled through Netflix and selected a film to watch.
I settled down eating my comfort berry crumble, as I watched. Before long the crumble was finished. It was so good. I decided It had to be followed up with a glass of Merlot. I grabbed my sofa blanket and made myself comfortable as I laid down on the deep cushions and continued to watch the film. Inevitablely, the roles switched. I was no longer watching the TV, instead, it was watching me. Deja vu. This was a regular pattern for me.
At some point I became aware I was sleeping ,yet at the same time I was alert. Aware of laying down and it was dark. My breathing was slow. It was so quiet. At first it felt like I wasn’t alone in the room. I made no sudden movements, my hearing somehow intensified, something had entered the room. I sensed something being below my feet and moving towards my head. That’s when fear began to rise within me. I had been here before. Experienced all what was to happen before. A pressure then started to overtake me moving over my lower body. I felt it pushing me downwards as it glided upwards. Over my shoulder and now over my head. I tried to scream, but nothing came out my mouth. I scramble for my faith. The prayers you learnt as a child and no longer thought anything of in adulthood. I recited them, as what felt like my only defense. Suddenly I’m was awake. My heart racing, my breathing elevated.
I try to remember what happened as vividly as it felt. But the more awake I become, the further the memory becomes. Soon, all I am left with are faint impressions and a clear sense of no good. It was still dark. The TV was no longer on, but the clock on the table nearby said 3.15 a.m.
Until next time.